it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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