A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize