Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
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He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
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But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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