They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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