he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
