I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
