I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
