He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
