sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
