An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i think we sleep fucked last night...
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
