I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
