i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
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She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
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Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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