Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
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My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
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the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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