Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
