"it" just moved
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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