i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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