Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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