I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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