if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
