I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
