Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
