Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
