I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?