he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.