i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
