How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
