He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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