So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
