Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Randomize
