this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
