A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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