oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
