I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
