i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
