its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Just puked most of my soul out..
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
