My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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