i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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