Since when is my name a synonym for head?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
