guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
