I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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