kristin has been a bad kristin
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
We're too hungover to prance.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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