You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
