I'm going to jail i love you
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
