Did you just see the Batmobile???
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
