Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
