From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
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