I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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