sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
