The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
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ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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