the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
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Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
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Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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