Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
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Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
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When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.