They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I would fuck him just for his dog
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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