Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.