And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
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just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
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I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome