hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
