I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
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So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
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