you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
